Oh, Alicia Silverstone. I was 11ish was Clueless came out and I wanted to be you when I eventually saw it. Or possibly Cher Horowitz, judging by the way “As if!” and various other ridiculous catchphrases became a part of my tweenage to teenage lexicon. At the time, I didn’t know you’d been in an Aerosmith video with Stephen Dorff (swoon). But I also eventually rented that terrible movie Excess Baggage because you were in it. And weren’t you in a film with Mark Wahlberg too? Back when he was Marky Mark and still had his Funky Bunch? Let’s not go into the whole Batgirl thing right now. You kissed Paul Rudd! Back before he was Paul Rudd. And in semi-incestual circumstances if we look into the storyline too closely, so let’s not. What else have you been in? Oh yeah, I’m afraid I didn’t really like your TV show Miss Match, we were… mismatched. And now? Now you have a handsome-despite-the-headband husband and a gorgeous son named Bear. (I ignore all the stuff about the veganism though, sorry, I just like bacon sandwiches a little bit too much.) Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!
PS. THIS is why I wanted your hair (I’ve never achieved it).